In my last podcast episode with Kings of Hearts, I vocalized a part where I was "yelling at someone". I listen back and I don't say those exact words FYI, but I sure feel them and so they come across as such... I'm further along my healing journey than I give myself credit for, but it was more the point I was trying to get across. I also feel like that type of heavy reaction only happens when my soul is completely violated...
I am going through a parting that doesn't seem to be going very healthily - I've actually never experienced such direct results of the toxicity that exists (though that can be heavily argued by the sex tape ordeal, and basically the majority of my experiences with men so far - not all, but many). And well, the guy is now deliberately choosing to be a total selfish asshole (his awareness of himself - not mine per say - though now it is too I guess, lol). Sometimes we are all shit.. I'm shit too! But for my own journey, I want to grow and become a better person from these lessons and events (instigated from myself or others).The last episode touches spontaneously on a bunch of pertinent things in my life (and most of my friends right now).. To expand though and give more insight...
During my learnings, the part that hurts is that he manipulated me as he kept me around. So then when we parted he feels that he gets to have the upper hand. Then as we part, he gaslights me with our past to make me believe it wasn't anything... or even that we "weren't ever together"... This man tried to impregnate me, told me he always loved me and that he wants to be there for me forever.. he was drunk mind you but this is the type of shit he would say. He would show up at my door if I needed it and if he needed it. And I opened my house and heart to help him always. - and in big ways. I would help his life and belongings when he felt overwhelmed, he would take me camping when I felt beaten by the world (with his family). We were there for each other. We listened. We cared. We had amazing sex. And then when he cheated (we were in an open relationship, but we had boundaries and I also asked straight up about things) he lied. He lied to my face constantly........ Put my health at risk....... I blew up on him because I knew deep down his energy wasn't with me fully - and I wasn't getting the truth to make my own decisions within our agreement. And now he gets to walk away as if this was "always supposed to be this way". And I am left broken and confused as if I made everything up. I spoke with the other woman as well (who is amazing), and she had the exact sort of experience with him. He shows up as this needy loving man but then says "well we're not together" with no conversation had....
He opened up to me plenty about how he is lost and confused in life. But then when confronted with it, he says he's happy and that he's on the right track. Him and I were doing this dance for 1.5 years. I loved him. He started so in love with me. Our love evolved and deepened, even though we both were scared to commit or try so with each other. I take full responsibility for my lack of clarity and how I could have harmed him. I have grown immensely. HE is the one who truly instigated such growth in me. Yet now, he says he's happy coasting and being cynical. Ummm.. that. isn't. happiness. Or maybe I'm wrong?! lol. Luckily we are parting. Nothing in him is aligned, and yet because of his masculine mask, he thinks it's just on women for 'wanting more' from him. He literally diminishes me to 'another woman he hurt'. First of all, very disconnected from me/us. Second of all, okay sure, so then what are you doing to change this? Because this has been your 'game for over 3 years' (possibly more). He is complacent in coasting through life as an asshole - and that BLOWS my mind. He has support in all aspects of his life to continue doing so. (Yikes). And ya, he literally thinks he is a king. He reduced my life down to me 'fucking up' because he was in my life... Ummmm... lol..... seriously.. lol... WHAT?! hahaha that actually makes me laugh out loud. Who does he think he is?!! Nobody ever has that much power over me.
GETTING MANIPULATED SUCKS. PLEASE REACH OUT IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. IT'S REALLY HARD. WE GOT THIS.
I don't know honestly, maybe we are all lying to ourselves really. Being honest is vulnerable and scary. I understand. I understand also that life has not really supported us all, men especially, in being open and vulnerable. Listen to my latest podcast episode that had me in tears in the first few seconds of pressing record.... Kings of Hearts @thekingsof.hearts are amazing humans who see what I see. We have to make conscious choices to surround ourselves with people who lift us up (not appeased for being shit, but for holding us accountable to be better always). And this is a part of my purpose in life.
My circle has expanded greatly as this man leaves my life. The rule of 1 to plenty. I have moments of severe gratitude. And then other times I feel heartbroken by society. This is my honest journey and I am excited to keep expanding into great people and events who are conscious loving beings. ❤️ I love you. I love me. Let's do this.