Come lay in my arms
Crumble into me my love
I will lift you up
And I will crumble into you
Hold me when I need you
I love you
In my last podcast episode with Kings of Hearts, I vocalized a part where I was "yelling at someone". I listen back and I don't say those exact words FYI, but I sure feel them and so they come across as such... I'm further along my healing journey than I give myself credit for, but it was more the point I was trying to get across. I also feel like that type of heavy reaction only happens when my soul is completely violated...
I am going through a parting that doesn't seem to be going very healthily - I've actually never experienced such direct results of the toxicity that exists (though that can be heavily argued by the sex tape ordeal, and basically the majority of my experiences with men so far - not all, but many). And well, the guy is now deliberately choosing to be a total selfish asshole (his awareness of himself - not mine per say - though now it is too I guess, lol). Sometimes we are all shit.. I'm shit too! But for my own journey, I want to grow and become a better person from these lessons and events (instigated from myself or others).The last episode touches spontaneously on a bunch of pertinent things in my life (and most of my friends right now).. To expand though and give more insight...
During my learnings, the part that hurts is that he manipulated me as he kept me around. So then when we parted he feels that he gets to have the upper hand. Then as we part, he gaslights me with our past to make me believe it wasn't anything... or even that we "weren't ever together"... This man tried to impregnate me, told me he always loved me and that he wants to be there for me forever.. he was drunk mind you but this is the type of shit he would say. He would show up at my door if I needed it and if he needed it. And I opened my house and heart to help him always. - and in big ways. I would help his life and belongings when he felt overwhelmed, he would take me camping when I felt beaten by the world (with his family). We were there for each other. We listened. We cared. We had amazing sex. And then when he cheated (we were in an open relationship, but we had boundaries and I also asked straight up about things) he lied. He lied to my face constantly........ Put my health at risk....... I blew up on him because I knew deep down his energy wasn't with me fully - and I wasn't getting the truth to make my own decisions within our agreement. And now he gets to walk away as if this was "always supposed to be this way". And I am left broken and confused as if I made everything up. I spoke with the other woman as well (who is amazing), and she had the exact sort of experience with him. He shows up as this needy loving man but then says "well we're not together" with no conversation had....
He opened up to me plenty about how he is lost and confused in life. But then when confronted with it, he says he's happy and that he's on the right track. Him and I were doing this dance for 1.5 years. I loved him. He started so in love with me. Our love evolved and deepened, even though we both were scared to commit or try so with each other. I take full responsibility for my lack of clarity and how I could have harmed him. I have grown immensely. HE is the one who truly instigated such growth in me. Yet now, he says he's happy coasting and being cynical. Ummm.. that. isn't. happiness. Or maybe I'm wrong?! lol. Luckily we are parting. Nothing in him is aligned, and yet because of his masculine mask, he thinks it's just on women for 'wanting more' from him. He literally diminishes me to 'another woman he hurt'. First of all, very disconnected from me/us. Second of all, okay sure, so then what are you doing to change this? Because this has been your 'game for over 3 years' (possibly more). He is complacent in coasting through life as an asshole - and that BLOWS my mind. He has support in all aspects of his life to continue doing so. (Yikes). And ya, he literally thinks he is a king. He reduced my life down to me 'fucking up' because he was in my life... Ummmm... lol..... seriously.. lol... WHAT?! hahaha that actually makes me laugh out loud. Who does he think he is?!! Nobody ever has that much power over me.
GETTING MANIPULATED SUCKS. PLEASE REACH OUT IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. IT'S REALLY HARD. WE GOT THIS.
I don't know honestly, maybe we are all lying to ourselves really. Being honest is vulnerable and scary. I understand. I understand also that life has not really supported us all, men especially, in being open and vulnerable. Listen to my latest podcast episode that had me in tears in the first few seconds of pressing record.... Kings of Hearts @thekingsof.hearts are amazing humans who see what I see. We have to make conscious choices to surround ourselves with people who lift us up (not appeased for being shit, but for holding us accountable to be better always). And this is a part of my purpose in life.
My circle has expanded greatly as this man leaves my life. The rule of 1 to plenty. I have moments of severe gratitude. And then other times I feel heartbroken by society. This is my honest journey and I am excited to keep expanding into great people and events who are conscious loving beings. ❤️ I love you. I love me. Let's do this.
Honour your connections with others
The patriarchy is deep. We’ve created this environment where it’s taught for some to not feel, push down, be good always.... it creates these vampires ... . All just desperate to be loved. We all just want to be loved. We’ve created these vampires that pull because they don’t know how to properly give or receive. It’s sad and it breaks my soul for these men and then women who know how to love and get hurt constantly by this.
The patriarchy is not serving us anymore. We just need to keep embracing who WE are. Each of us. Uniquely... We all feel. We all experience all sides of things (sad/happy, rich/poor (not just in money), infatuation/depreciation, etc. So why do we need to keep trying to classify some as one and the others as another? We should consciously work on stopping this. We are all just beings mixed with a completely different set of DNA. So we should try to exist as ourselves and treat others as unique beings. We need to enter with curiosity and openness to allow for us to see who we each are uniquely. We can exist fully open (with boundaries set in place), loving all and being present to what each circumstance or person needs.
Now that's life.
(And also, this is totally unrelated, but yet could be threaded within... I'm noticing people have a tough time standing up to themselves or others... Is this because we all are secretly people pleasing because we are scared to actually be who we are?!? I mean maybe ;).. Listen, every single one of us is enough. Right as we are.)
You shared a special bond with someone amazing. And you let it flop to pieces. Gave up. Chose the dark side. That’s on you cause this spirit lives on and loves on. I will be loved. You have a choice to let love in for yourself. I hope you choose to one day soon. You hurt me, harmed me - and I let you do it. But let you no longer - this love is mine. Love me or die out from me. I want to hold hope but the hope is dying. So you must also then die from my soul. Whether our souls re-meet is up to more than just me. It’s up to you, and more than anything it’s up to the universal guidance that breathes through us all. I love you. And I now let all of my love fall to me. I am mine to love and lift. And so I will. See you on the other side. Souls matching or not is out of my mind.
(for friendship, relationships, career, and even pieces of my self)
My purpose is life. My purpose is love. Whether loves comes through a child with a soul I love or through dance art and love it doesn’t matter. I am love. I am here. Existing for something more than just procreation - which is probably one of the most powerful things we can do as a human (create life and bring life into this world). I hope hope for my path, whatever that looks like. My soul is on fire. My soul is floating in the universal space of love and power. The universe is listening to us all. And I can feel the message get louder everyday. My purpose is here right now. And I am whole without you. I am whole with me. And I share who I am with the world which is more than enough. My purpose has been here all along existing through all the challenges and strife. My existence now loves in peace and I am bubbling with joy and excitement for this new existence. You choose your path. I’m choosing to listen to mine that was given to me by the stars in the sky. By the souls that watch over me. And by my decision for what I feel for myself.
I won’t give up on you. But I sure will let go and let me fly. Your life is up to you.
I made this messy dance vid - which completely disregards technique and was purely for me to release my rage I was feeling towards the man who fucked up my life. I took away the public setting because it is so raw and kind of all over the place - and I judge myself as a dancer... However, as I go through another sort of misogynistic experience, I am brought right back to this same level of rage.
I don't want to feel slapped in the face by societies depiction of what a man and woman are supposed to be. I'm just trying to live my as a fucking good human!!!
Personally, I am working on squishing through this discomfort with ease and grace. It doesn't always go well, I must say.... I have smashed a table recently (harming nobody but myself).
I had a session with a medium the other day for the first time, and it was very enlightening and so on-point that I bawled the entire time. Listen, I have a bunch of skeptics around me that infuse me with their doubts, but this woman had no insight into my name or information before - just my phone number - and either way she brought up names of people who have passed YEARS ago who sent very specific messages that nobody would ever know (except for me and my spirits).
Blanche is one of my spirit guides. She resembles the energy of Betty White. She loves me so. And she is my biggest supporter of this path I am on. She said that I am helping women all over the world, and am helping men by holding them accountable.
Sometimes I hold a rage that does not feel my own. And it is literally an out of body experience... I don't know if I am channelling past generational feelings from women, but I also know that other women friends of mine are feeling the same sort of rage lately - and it is described the same way - generational, ancestral, deep.
Again, my personal goal is to make change through love and art. I am going to come from a place of feeling centred and wise. This is a journey and a half. I have lost family, friends, jobs, locations, etc by pursuing this path - but truly it is one of the paths (along with choreography), that feels lifelong and is a part of my purpose here on earth. I know this. So I let the rest slide away with love and gratitude.
Anyways, this dance video is insight into how sometimes oppression and discrimination can feel - unorganized, all over the place and animalistic.
I sensei the shit out of life and WILL be at peace WITH all this.. But for now here is where we are.
I have to pretence this with a few things: a) I was living out of a suitcase out of need because I was running away from my problems (which I didn’t know at the time but was not ready to face them - and this is totally okay!!!) b) if I were to do this again (like I used to when I was a young adult), I would gather the assets and cash to be able o live-it-up on a suitcase adventure c) I will always have to provide myself with a home available to come back to.
Regardless of the hard lessons the last 2-3 years has taught me, I have also gained some priceless knowledge for what I feel being a human can mean..
I learned that you really don’t need a lot to look good and feel good. Location does not determine your happiness, success or worth. You can run all you want but your problems will follow you and possibly become accentuated as you feel more uncomfortable and ready to deal with change (this is a positive thing!!).
If you are going through a hard time and need to escape, I hope you find places that allow you to heal. I hope you find places that provide you with comfort and safety so you can focus on what is so clearly asking to be healed. I struggled to find this safety throughout my healing and it made it a lot longer and more drawn out. I have to see and am grateful for how it all laid itself out for me though because as I was fighting to heal, this lack of safety brought up even deeper things that needed to be healed. I was asking to feel good again and to be powerful, so the universe was responding so hard core with a lot at once to allow for substantial growth.
I do not claim to be enlightened… but I kind of feel enlightened… so.. who is to judge me on saying that. Nobody.
Some other personal insights:
Now, I am working through unnecessary fears of having too much stuff to weigh me down. I recognize I love having things that propel my best self forward (mics, guitars, cameras, golf clubs, kayaks, etc) but simply just need to find the balance in freedom with my things. Things can always change. You can ALWAYS pick up and change any situation you are in. If you don’t try you will never know. And hence, if you need to, you can sell everything you own and travel that damn world again (once we adjust more to this virus).
We are beautiful spirits. We are one with the land we stand on. We get to know the land we choose to settle on / visit, but the entire earth is our home. If you wish to be free in ways that may not seem ‘normal’, be free. I will live out of a suitcase again, or a caravan ;) Adventure and new things are in my blood (that is the life I choose to live)… Yet this next time, I will be set up for success - and I can’t wait!!!!!
For now, I gain my strength and power. For now, I work on presence and joy. I feel as though I am still slightly recovering from my falls. I realize how much things take time, yet I also acknowledge that huge changes can happen in an instant! Change happens at the pace it is supposed to. The Universe is guiding you into your greatest version of yourself. Everything offers an opportunity to learn. Allowing yourself to see all sides in any situation provides insight and a sense of clarity that makes you a fucking powerhouse. Tune in my friends. You are powerful. Own it - own all sides of yourself.