Well, I must say I have misjudged many people in my lifetime. / the main word there is judged. I placed things on others out of jealousy or trying to manipulate others feelings about them... I have done exactly what I feel 'they' did to me. I cannot be so angry anymore. I can truly dissolve all the anger and judgement towards others. Nobody knows what they are doing and yet we are slammed into some sort of expectations towards normalcy that aren't actually anyone's one truth, and we are then expected to make that our truth. I have done so myself even!!!! We have built so many constraints as a society that many of us can barely breath!!!!
I am starting a podcast with my partner called The Unconventional Partners. We will be moving to create episodes when we want to move, as I do with my current The Unintentional Porn Star podcast... Yes, TUPS and TUP.. lol. Life is fun. I cannot wait to dig into some specific matters with the beautiful man I am with right now.. Stay tuned. We will send links. And join my email list to receive news on when this is coming to life. It is in the bucket of ideas.
And closing out on the thoughts above. I am here for all that I have placed judgements and misconceptions on. I love you. And I love this process called life - we are lucky to exist (even in all this confusion).
I just feel so sad for society today. I feel sad for humans. I feel sad for those who can’t seem to shake that they are living a life for the approval from other people.
The vaccines are causing cycle issues for women everywhere, and most of the articles I read are very dismissive.
I think recently having a c-section and having my body finally be at a place where I can have a healthy cycle again, I am saddened that the vaccine may in fact change that again. I’m full of fear, to say the least, and I am unsure what validity I need to follow (within myself mostly).
I know I will be getting the vaccine - I mean I never ever get the flu shot ever, so this is a big thing for me. All the theories (both scientific and conspiracy based) are tough to follow. I feel there’s not enough time for us to take in the information before we are shoved that we HAVE to do something to travel or be a “good citizen”.
I desire to travel for my passion and my work. My documentary is happening, and having this lifelong dream come to life is something I am so fulfilled with. And so it stands that for me to fulfill this documentary fully, I will need the vaccine - to keep myself and others safe.
And then my whole soul knows. It feels dampened that this is a thing. And yet, I know my soul signed up to be here during this time.
I’ve never known if I wanted to have kids. I thought I would have more insight after having a c-section (which could have eliminated my chances.... truthfully not being able to have kids would have impacted me greatly - I just wanted the choice 🙏🏼 (thank you universe), but I would have coped with it as a sign I wasn’t in fact supposed to). But the idea that our cycles, and possibly the ability to have children could be affected is really lighting every part of me.
I guess we can allow this to evolve and 'stand in this' in our own ways that feel right - we can use our voices, honour our bodies, and do what is needed in each moment while we figure this out. Maybe it IS simply just the 'shock' of having a new thing in our bodies (which I think is a crap excuse and is very dismissive)... And maybe it's not...
I feel a bit like an old grandpa these days lol.
First of all I have to sit with my legs relaxed open (lol) to ensure I don’t bother my incision.
I sit by myself lots at coffee shops and chirp at my friends that all walk by or enter the coffee shop. My chirping isn’t rude tho haha, at least I don’t think, but I do love seeing everyone 🥰
I do kind of feel a tinge on the lonely side as I am less able to do all-the-things. I can walk (well, step forward in a sloth-like motion), and can get myself into a gaping seared position (as mentioned above), but it just feels slower and more careful.
I appreciate this pace. I love the respect I hold now for healing. I am so grateful to be in this position where people, science and my body have allowed me to clear such a big and meaningful part of my past. Honestly, wow. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
As a social creature who would love to simply be paid to go for coffee with friends, (ask and you shall receive 😉 TBD in a semi similar way), the perception of limitation is what I need to work through.
No joke peoples, I have BARELY been alone since my surgery. With my mom coming to help, all of my friends sharing their time in visits and in food supplies and love - I am FILLLLLED with love and I am SO grateful. I love the love that is here. Wow. So much. So yes, it’s funny in our human experience that even in abundance we can feel lack. I believe we have been “trained” to do this. Survival. And so! I am choosing to work on shifting my perspective into seriously everything that is here FOR me. Right now. Even while I sit alone in the sunshine typing this - I am lucky as fuck to be alive and be in this body where my soul chose to be.
I love this life as Rebecca Reinhart. It’s pretty neat. I shall continue to evolve into my souls desires and I also continue to use love as my superpower.
You are amazing as ever and I love you so much. Thank you for being exactly where you are in life. I hope you choose to open your heart always - especially when fear tells you to close off or guard.... you are safe. I love you.
Being forced again to lay low by my c-section (as I did with my concussion and depression from the sex tape ordeal), and also having the world shut down again in wave 3 of the corona virus, triggers me a bit into fear of feeling lonely. I am not lonely at all, it's a fear I am working on healing for myself - and.I had a breakthrough last night that I am not alone, I am just WITH my soul.
Hope this helps!
I need to yell this to the world.. The universe knows already... But I LOVE SEX. I know what it means to me and I have my boundaries. I release any shame and guilt and forced-play on me. I will embrace my love and divinity in the act of sex so greatly as I heal 🥰🥰🥰
A Tribe Called Quest "sex is a big part of me".
Not being able to have sex for a while, as I heal from my c-section surgery, makes me feel sad. Beforehand, I started to shrink into shame being like 'did I put myself here from being sexual?' etc. Ummm no!!! Cleared that up so fast thank goodness, because it wasn't related to me honouring my sensuality in my own ways, it was more related to the exploitation of my sensuality and my openness to love sex that caused me trauma mentally that fulfilled itself / manifested itself physically.... Ya... so. I will prevail and celebrate my sensuality proudly.
P.S. You're amazing.
So I recently just had a c-section done to remove a fibroid that was the size of, well, bigger than a grapefruit and smaller than a cantaloupe. First of all ow. Second of all, now that I have had this procedure, many people are coming forward saying "this happened to me or my mom or someone I know"... Third, it is wild to me that women have to birth a child (whether vaginal or through c-section) and also have to care for this new born babe who has entered the world... I mean, I had an amazing surgeon and things went really well.. but again, ow. I am sitting here healing, in so much pain, thinking about how strong women are. Seriously. And like birthing has been going on SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME and women are seen as weak?!?!?!1. Twisted AF!!!! It clearly was/is a conspiracy to lessen the power women have - because power to ya.
Now, as I am constantly in awe of women at this point, I am also still pondering how the heck I feel about having kids. I literally have no idea people!!!! It is wild to me! I used to be the one in my friend group who thought, and who everyone else thought, I would be the first one to pop some kids out. Now I am spinning into the group of the last ones without children. I LOVE kids. I love my friends kids and my nieces and nephews, and all the lovelies I taught dance to before... And I still have no strong desire to do so. A part of me wonders if this is a societal thing still - in that if I had all the things I wanted to be and do in my life, and raise a kid I wanted to, then maybe it would feel more fulfilling, and I would have more of a pull. I mean my ideal, IF I have kids, is to have my partner and I be there always - sharing responsibilities - I work he takes care of the kids mostly, if I'm being totally honest lol, but even that is constricting. I want to always be there - have my kids and my partner around when traveling and working and living and just enjoying life. I do not want to live in one place in my life (at least right now - stilllll). This desire to live nomadically has only grown as I experience who I am in this wonderful life on earth. And it still somehow seems to contrast a lot of what is there or shared.
Hmm I know this will present itself as I enter into this new phase in life. So I sit back and allow things to just be. I enjoy the moment. I heal - at my own pace. And I enjoy alll the love and flowers that come in as my scar heals... My tummy will forever be smiling at you ;)
Warrior woman signing out for now.
I love you
We are all love. Love wins.
Love is where we are heard. Love is where we are seen. And it is only in living in love with ourselves and others where we can reap and accept love in.
Love is powerful ... and it just knows... #cool
I am stewing on something, from a conglomeration of multiple sources, that it is still seemingly forgotten that the instigators, the liars, the cheaters, the manipulators, the gas-lighters, aren't penalized as such... and that the ones who react from those instances are the ones to be noticed - and 'punished'.
I am using strong words, because I am on a roll in life where I am trying to recognize things for their realities. And using the proper language (even though it can be discouraged), can help us identify what needs to be nourished, honoured and cleared. We all have the ability to embody those above-listed qualities. It is sadly engrained and practiced so easily in our society - and, in fact, is oddly subconsciously promoted.
Anyways, just something to think of.. Let's just take responsibility for our own emotions and actions a bit more. And love thyself and others more.