Being forced again to lay low by my c-section (as I did with my concussion and depression from the sex tape ordeal), and also having the world shut down again in wave 3 of the corona virus, triggers me a bit into fear of feeling lonely. I am not lonely at all, it's a fear I am working on healing for myself - and.I had a breakthrough last night that I am not alone, I am just WITH my soul.
Hope this helps!
I need to yell this to the world.. The universe knows already... But I LOVE SEX. I know what it means to me and I have my boundaries. I release any shame and guilt and forced-play on me. I will embrace my love and divinity in the act of sex so greatly as I heal 🥰🥰🥰
A Tribe Called Quest "sex is a big part of me".
Not being able to have sex for a while, as I heal from my c-section surgery, makes me feel sad. Beforehand, I started to shrink into shame being like 'did I put myself here from being sexual?' etc. Ummm no!!! Cleared that up so fast thank goodness, because it wasn't related to me honouring my sensuality in my own ways, it was more related to the exploitation of my sensuality and my openness to love sex that caused me trauma mentally that fulfilled itself / manifested itself physically.... Ya... so. I will prevail and celebrate my sensuality proudly.
P.S. You're amazing.
So I recently just had a c-section done to remove a fibroid that was the size of, well, bigger than a grapefruit and smaller than a cantaloupe. First of all ow. Second of all, now that I have had this procedure, many people are coming forward saying "this happened to me or my mom or someone I know"... Third, it is wild to me that women have to birth a child (whether vaginal or through c-section) and also have to care for this new born babe who has entered the world... I mean, I had an amazing surgeon and things went really well.. but again, ow. I am sitting here healing, in so much pain, thinking about how strong women are. Seriously. And like birthing has been going on SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME and women are seen as weak?!?!?!1. Twisted AF!!!! It clearly was/is a conspiracy to lessen the power women have - because power to ya.
Now, as I am constantly in awe of women at this point, I am also still pondering how the heck I feel about having kids. I literally have no idea people!!!! It is wild to me! I used to be the one in my friend group who thought, and who everyone else thought, I would be the first one to pop some kids out. Now I am spinning into the group of the last ones without children. I LOVE kids. I love my friends kids and my nieces and nephews, and all the lovelies I taught dance to before... And I still have no strong desire to do so. A part of me wonders if this is a societal thing still - in that if I had all the things I wanted to be and do in my life, and raise a kid I wanted to, then maybe it would feel more fulfilling, and I would have more of a pull. I mean my ideal, IF I have kids, is to have my partner and I be there always - sharing responsibilities - I work he takes care of the kids mostly, if I'm being totally honest lol, but even that is constricting. I want to always be there - have my kids and my partner around when traveling and working and living and just enjoying life. I do not want to live in one place in my life (at least right now - stilllll). This desire to live nomadically has only grown as I experience who I am in this wonderful life on earth. And it still somehow seems to contrast a lot of what is there or shared.
Hmm I know this will present itself as I enter into this new phase in life. So I sit back and allow things to just be. I enjoy the moment. I heal - at my own pace. And I enjoy alll the love and flowers that come in as my scar heals... My tummy will forever be smiling at you ;)
Warrior woman signing out for now.
I love you
We are all love. Love wins.
Love is where we are heard. Love is where we are seen. And it is only in living in love with ourselves and others where we can reap and accept love in.
Love is powerful ... and it just knows... #cool
I am stewing on something, from a conglomeration of multiple sources, that it is still seemingly forgotten that the instigators, the liars, the cheaters, the manipulators, the gas-lighters, aren't penalized as such... and that the ones who react from those instances are the ones to be noticed - and 'punished'.
I am using strong words, because I am on a roll in life where I am trying to recognize things for their realities. And using the proper language (even though it can be discouraged), can help us identify what needs to be nourished, honoured and cleared. We all have the ability to embody those above-listed qualities. It is sadly engrained and practiced so easily in our society - and, in fact, is oddly subconsciously promoted.
Anyways, just something to think of.. Let's just take responsibility for our own emotions and actions a bit more. And love thyself and others more.